My Anxiety's So Vain (It Probably Thinks This Post is About it)

It's been awhile since my last entry, and I've faced a lot of anxiety setbacks that I turned into valuable learning experiences over the past few months. There were so many revelations I wanted to share: not letting anxiety ruin relationships, how to take control of the negative thought narrative in your head, etc. But every time I tried to write about this topic, I would get stuck, leaving a jumble of half-hearted and fragmented thoughts that I would quickly abandon.

This past week though, I thought less about how to solve anxiety and more about what it means to me and how it feels to me. I realized that I don't have answers all the time because I'm still struggling through anxiety and have a lot of questions I'm trying to answer for myself.

I've always loved writing songs and poems and I've always felt that I could best untangle my jumbled thoughts through the structured creativity of metre and rhyme, so I wrote a poem (or maybe a song without music) about how anxiety feels to me and my journey to overcome it:

A repeated punch in the gut 

All the wind knocked out of me, I can't breathe.

 When will I get out of this rut?

When will I find some relief?

Heart's beating faster, fighting for air.

Sometimes it hurts too much because I care. 

What everyone thinks of me, outside validation is my crutch. 

My head is so mean to me, 

Preying upon my insecurities and self- doubt 

I need my loved ones to snap me back to reality.

Tell me I have nothing to worry about.

But they can't hear my head

Can't understand the state of perpetual dread

Which in my darkest hour makes me wish I wish dead 

When it convinces me I'm worthless and tears my self confidence to shreds

But it's a layer I'm finally starting to shed.

I may fear what lies ahead

But I don't let my fear keep me in bed 

I will leap forward, not lightly tread 

Refuse to believe the lies-"you're selfish," "you're a basket case loser," "you suck at life,"-that I keep getting fed.

It took me a long time to get here

And I'm still nowhere near where I want to be, but my best weapon is to learn to I love me, and keep the faith throughout journey.