I've been in a state of denial for nearly a year. I've struggled to process all of this, and now, exactly 10 months after I and everyone I know was told that life as we knew it would change, it's hitting me hard. Because I was living with my boyfriend and had a job and had a lot of stability in my life, I didn't process that my brain was working overtime to protect me from experiencing major anxiety. It was keeping me "functioning": It allowed me to stay present in my work and relationships and in taking care of my household. While we all strive to function at that level, it is often important to take that break, and nobody is capable of being at the top or even in the middle of their game 100% of the time. However, it took nearly a year for my anxious brain to process I even needed that rest.. That the constant irritation, crying at seemingly random things. and heart palpitations I have been experiencing or the anger and frustration I feel towards others who are taking vacations while I'm staying at home is part of a larger anxiety I'm experiencing.
I am committed to take the time to truly take care of myself and ask for what I need rather than trying to go through the motions of life without pause, including, but not limited to taking the following steps. (Note: a lot of these are personal to me and my personal needs. This isn't a one size fits all for every single person. My challenge to you after reading this list is to make your own list and will give you questions to consider after I share my own list)
1. Leave my house at least once a day - Something about feeling fresh air on my face makes me feel refreshed. I've loved running outside for over a decade and it is part of what gets me to my calm place. I associate being outside with some of my favorite things: nature (though that is a very loose term in my urban neighborhood), listening to music while running, movement/fitness, going to a local bakery or cafe for a treat. These may seem like such small things, but this is a moment in time to think about the small pleasures and take advantage of them.
2. Take time for myself - While it's important to keep connected with people I can't see physically, I find the constant group texting and zoom calls exhausting sometimes. Since March, it feels like people have so much more time, and I sometimes feel FOMO if I step away and come back to paragraphs of messages. While connection is important and I value my friendships, muting my notifications and taking quiet time away from messenger is important for helping me relax and recharge my batteries. And mostly I use it to read or watch TV or cook, or just lay down in bed and daydream. Anything that will make me feel a sense of calm.
It's been a hard road, but I've been teaching myself that even if a group conversation goes for a bit without me for a little bit, my friends won't abandon or think less of me just because I took a night off. And in fact, they are my friends because they're so supportive of me. Recently, I've set my messenger notifications on mute, so I could thoughtfully respond on my own time rather than feeling a Pavlovian jolt and compulsion to pick up my phone at every ping.
3. Take some time to read/watch non serious things - I usually like non-fiction books about heavy topics (racism, sexism, classism) and love to learn, but for the time being, I will actively choose to read fun, frivolous, and silly things to give me an escape I need from the doom and gloom of the real world. For example, Kevin Kwan, the author of Crazy Rich Asians just released a new book about Chinese high society, and you can bet that I will absolutely be getting lost in that world.
Now I'd like to challenge you to make a list of things you need. How much interaction will make you feel nurtured? How much quiet time do you need? What foods make you feel physically and mentally healthier? Think closely and check in with yourself as you think of what you need to cope through this difficult time with no end in sight.
It's been awhile since my last entry, and I've faced a lot of anxiety setbacks that I turned into valuable learning experiences over the past few months. There were so many revelations I wanted to share: not letting anxiety ruin relationships, how to take control of the negative thought narrative in your head, etc. But every time I tried to write about this topic, I would get stuck, leaving a jumble of half-hearted and fragmented thoughts that I would quickly abandon.
This past week though, I thought less about how to solve anxiety and more about what it means to me and how it feels to me. I realized that I don't have answers all the time because I'm still struggling through anxiety and have a lot of questions I'm trying to answer for myself.
I've always loved writing songs and poems and I've always felt that I could best untangle my jumbled thoughts through the structured creativity of metre and rhyme, so I wrote a poem (or maybe a song without music) about how anxiety feels to me and my journey to overcome it:
A repeated punch in the gut
All the wind knocked out of me, I can't breathe.
When will I get out of this rut?
When will I find some relief?
Heart's beating faster, fighting for air.
Sometimes it hurts too much because I care.
What everyone thinks of me, outside validation is my crutch.
My head is so mean to me,
Preying upon my insecurities and self- doubt
I need my loved ones to snap me back to reality.
Tell me I have nothing to worry about.
But they can't hear my head
Can't understand the state of perpetual dread
Which in my darkest hour makes me wish I wish dead
When it convinces me I'm worthless and tears my self confidence to shreds
But it's a layer I'm finally starting to shed.
I may fear what lies ahead
But I don't let my fear keep me in bed
I will leap forward, not lightly tread
Refuse to believe the lies-"you're selfish," "you're a basket case loser," "you suck at life,"-that I keep getting fed.
It took me a long time to get here
And I'm still nowhere near where I want to be, but my best weapon is to learn to I love me, and keep the faith throughout journey.
No matter what your political views are, these are very turbulent times. Since November, more people have become vocal. People haveorganized protests on all sorts of issues ranging from immigration to health care, to science. It's very easy to feel lost and anxious amidst all this political turmoil. I know I myself feel panicky at the thought that I'm not doing enough to make a difference. It gets to the point where I scroll past news articles because I can't take the stress.
It can be especially triggering when friends speak about these issues pubicly on social media. Maybe you're worried about whether or not you should post about it as well, or whether a simple like is doing enough to show support. Or maybe you just need a break from everything that is going on.
Regardless of what's triggering your stress or how you're feeling, remember that the weight of the world does not fall upon your shoulders. Yes it's important to care about these issues affecting our country, whether or not they directly affect you. However, taking that time for yourself will give you some much needed perspective and replenish you to fight about the things you care about. After all, how can you expect to give to anyone else when you yourself are depleted?
And if you do want to make more of a difference, do it because you feel passionately about it, not because you feel pressured to do so. Do you find protests too stressful? There are so many other things you can do with your own individual talents. For example, I love to write and I found an opportunity to write an op-ed piece about saving funding for national service programs like AmeriCorps. It didn't feel like a burden or a responsibility, and it was small, but I felt relaxed because I took a step that was authentic to me. I encourage you to explore your passions and talents and incorporate them into making a difference in your own way.
The river roared as I clung to the raft for my legs for dear life. "Forward! Backward! Inside!," the guides shouted in rapid fire succession, alternating between Spanish and English.
This was not my first time white water rafting. I sailed the rapids of Yellowstone national park at age 12, took a lazy rafting tour down israel's river Jordan. But these rocks and rushing currents were the most intense I had encounteredduring my adventures. I strained my ear to listen to the guides, knowing that following their instructions to the T was paramount to my safety.
I spend a lot of time talking about how to combat anxiety and treat it as an unwelcome guest staying in your mind rent free. But what if I told you that sometimes fear and anxiety can be your best friends?
To start with, everybody has a little bit of fear and anxiety sometimes. So you are not alone. Back when we were living in caves, this fear protected us from very real threats such as saber toothed tigers. Though these animals are long extinct, that fear evolved with us.
Whenever we see potential threats to our security, our eyes and ears ring the alarm and send this signal to the amygdala, the area of the brain in which we process our emotions. The amygdala then interprets these sounds and if it perceives danger, it sends the distress signal to the hypothalamus, the brain's command center that takes over and tells us whether to fight the danger or flee from it (fight or flight.) For a cool diagram of how this works, check out this article from Harvard Medical School.
The problem is, though, that if you suffer from anxiety like I do, then your amygdala has the emotional intensity of of a soap opera. It can be difficult to figure out when it is being sincere ("when the guy in the boat yells at you to paddle forward and backward, listen up so you can avoid drowning in rapids") or whether it's acting like the evil twin that appears in every one of these shows for the sole purpose of wreaking havoc ("you know, your so-called "friend" didn't respond to that text that you sent half an hour ago. They must hate you because you're a terrible person.)
And while it's good to take the messages from your amygdala with a grain of salt, maybe automatically assuming that the message is coming from the evil twin every time and shooting the messenger on sight isn't the best way to go. Taking the time to step back and evaluate the message will give us the opportunity to detach ourself from the alarm bells going off in our amygdalas and to determine whether or not the message is coming from friend or foe. A
s soon as we are more cognizant of how our anxiety works and the different situations that trigger it, the more we can start to enjoy a peaceful relationship with it.
One of my biggest fears is confrontation, and many people who suffer from anxiety agree. The idea of getting into a disagreement or expressing displeasure to a close friend or significant other creates friction and uncertainty in the relationship. What if you get angry at them and then they decide they don't want to continue the relationship? Yes you may be irritated or annoyed at the moment, but is expressing those feelings really worth ushering in a potential tear or crack in an otherwise perfectly good relationship?
The answer is an unequivocal "yes." I have learned over the years and am still learning to this day that conflict is a natural part of any human relationship whether it be with family, friends, or significant others. As much as us conflict avoiders may hate the idea of disrupting or inconveniencing the other person, it is in fact better for both people if we express these negative emotions. Keeping these emotions at bay doesn't make them go away. Instead they build up inside us and they have to be let out eventually. And trust me, it feels worse to snap at someone in a random moment of irritation than to address a specific problem in the moment.
Now I'm not saying go Incredible Hulk on the other person. I am saying that there is a way to express these emotions without yelling.
For example, many psychologists advocate using 'I' statements. For example: "I felt upset when you were looking at your phone when we were at dinner because it made me feel like you did not want to be present with me in that moment" sounds less accusatory and more respectful of the other person's feelings than "why are you always on that damn phone? Do I need to be an app to attract your attention?"
As somebody who fears confrontation, the former statement seems like a fair compromise to me because it allows me to openly share my perspective while also considering the other person's feelings.
In addition, the non-accusatory tone of the statement will make the person more open to dialogue instead of defense. They might respond "I don't mean to ignore you, but sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to say and feel put on the spot to come up with something."
This conversation right there allows you both to express your feelings while also reaching a greater ounderstanding of each other. It will feel more like a heart-to-heart than an argument. As a cancer and an empath, those are the conversations I crave even when there's nothing bothering me!
However, try as I might, I am not always in an emotional place in which I am calm enough to engage in that dialogue right in the moment because I am too caught up in the emotion I'm feeling. In about 85% of cases, I am able to acknowledge my feeling and table it for a discussion at another point in time once I have had a time to process said feeling away from the triggering person, situation, and setting. Usually I don't like to let more than a week go by before I bring up how the incident made me feel because the other person might not even remember it. In fact, bringing something up in a seemingly random way like that might actually annoy the other person, the very outcome I hope to avoid! I have actually been guilty of this because it took me a long time to find the courage to say something. On those occasions, though, I actually incited the conflict I hoped to avoid. 2-5 days is generally a good grace period because at that point, events are still fresh in both people's minds but you still gave yourself time to cool down.
Of course there will be times when you snap! And even though it's not fun (believe me, I always feel terrible when it happens!) sometimes we just need to release that emotion. (This is assuming that we're not causing huge scenes in a public places.) And it's important for us to forgive ourselves on the occasion when that does happen. We had every intention of handling things in a kind and mature way but everybody snaps sometimes. Our friends will hopefully understand that as long as we calmly apologize for the outburst but explain where it came from afterwards.
In order to effectively manage conflict, I also need to get to a mental place where I fear my emotions less. A way I try to get there is by questioning these emotions and where they come from. Through questioning these emotions, I discovered a few well-worn beliefs I held in my mind. Seeing these beliefs out in the open allows me to challenge them:
The other person's emotions matter more than my own: I realize how ridiculous this looks written out, but every desire to avoid conflict and fear of somebody else's response to my emotions reflects this belief. I remind myself that if I'm willing to accommodate somebody else and listen to their side of the story, wouldn't this person want to do the same for me? And conversely, if I want to be heard, shouldn't I also listen? Thinking this way positions the conflict more as one between equals in my mind and prepares me to express myself respectfully. And besides, why would I want to spend time with someone who truly believes their emotions are more important than mine anyway?
An argument is the end of the world? Sure you've argued with people before, were they actually the end of the world? Even if it did end a relationship, do you feel looking back like that relationship was worth holding onto? Or do you see larger issues at stake? Like I said before, conflict is a normal part of human interaction, and with the people who matter, it will bring you closer in the best case scenario or will allow you to understand the other person better in the worse case. Either way, I see that as a win!
Regardless of your preference for band or genre, whether you like Ariana Grande or Icelandic death metal, there's a song (or several,) that resonates with your soul. It could be that song you listened to on repeat after your breakup, or your wedding song. Or, breaking away from the concept of romantic love together, it could be your psych mix when you run or go to the gym, or that song on the bar's jukebox you sang at the top of your lungs with your college friends on two-for-one Tuesday.
Many people connect to music on a strong, psychological level and there's even an entire field of music therapy dedicated to helping people heal through music listening and expression. Music even helps with anxiety! According to a review from UK Medical Journal The Lancet, patients who listened to music before, during, or after surgery experienced less pain and anxiety than the patients who did not. Even cooler is the fact that those same patients, (the ones who listened to music,) needed less medication. Music is pretty damn powerful, right? And the patients who needed the LEAST amount of pain medication were the ones who got to pick their own playlists. In other words, the music YOU pick can set the tone of your day. The music YOU pick can determine whether there's harmony or whether things fall flat.
So today, I'm going to talk about my self-esteem playlist. One of my biggest struggles with anxiety is my own battle with self-esteem. I the constant nagging feeling that I did or said something wrong, or that I didn't make the right impression on people, or that I didn't work hard enough in school, or that I was lazy at the gym. The common denominator in all these anxious thoughts is an underlying belief that I am not enough, and not only does this cause me to be harsher on myself, but I also worry more and feel more depressed as a result. Even though I have developed more self-confidence as I have developed more meaningful personal relationships with others and enjoyed career success, sometimes thought patterns can become well-worn pathways in the brain that are hard to completely walk way from them. With this playlist that spans decades and genres, I am not only headed full steam ahead in the opposite direction, but I am also blazing my own path of self-love.
Self Esteem Playlist:
1. What Makes You Beautiful-One Direction
Though this song is about a guy telling a girl she's beautiful. Though it's nice to hear a British boy band tell me how beautiful I am, I do not need Harry Styles or Zayn Malik to tell me as much. What stands out to me about this song is the line in the pre-chorus "everyone else in the room can see it. Everyone else but you." This makes me think about how even though I might feel like I'm falling apart, others could look at me and see someone who has her shit together. And maybe I have more of a grip on things than I think I do.
Conversely, other people who I may think are winning at life probably have their own insecurities. This one line reminds me that we are all humans and we all have our strengths and vulnerabilities, and therefore, I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am another human being on this earth doing my best.
2. Beautiful-Christina Aguilera
The phrase "we are beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can't bring us down" is affirming for me. Don't get me wrong. Words have the power to hurt. Sometimes someone's words, particularly if I thought said person was a friend, have the power to ruin my day or week. But they don't bring me down. They don't stop me from being me and doing what I love!
3. I Don't Want to Be-Gavin DeGraw
I met a lot of people in college who had a clear plan for what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives. They wanted to be doctors or engineers, and while a lot of these people were my friends and I admired them for having a dream and following it, I felt more lost and nervous as graduation drew closer. I started having second thoughts about the humanities and social sciences courses I took for the sake of learning and started to feel like I had failed compared to the rest of my friends.
However, the line "all I have to do is think of me and I'll be somebody" stood out to me. Just because I hadn't found that same sense of purpose that someone else did at that moment doesn't mean that I am somehow less than them or that my life is less valuable. I just have to be myself, and eventually, as I keep working towards my goals, my feelings of purpose will fall into place and I won't want to be anybody else.
4. Shake it Off-Taylor Swift
On a similar (albeit more upbeat) vein, the image of T.Swift just "shaking it off" and dancing like nobody's watching is empowering and inspiring. She may have received a lot of flack from industry professionals and critics alike, but guess what? She has still won several Grammys and sells out her concerts by being true to herself! I am definitely guilty of putting a lot of stock into what other people think and even spend time obsessing about it, but guess what? In life there will always be players and haters, but I can't be my best self unless I treat them like background noise the way my girl Taylor does!
5. Have a Nice Day-Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi released this song during my freshman year of high school, a time in my life when I felt the most pressure to conform. Through my classes, extracurricular activities, and my social circle, I met people who held very black-and-white world views to which they clung very tightly. There was this one particular girl I knew whose strident tone made me doubt myself and feel inadequate for daring to voice an alternative opinion.
In this song, Jon Bon Jovi tells his naysayers "I'm not gonna what I don't want to, I'm gonna live my life" and "have a nice day" in an equally strident and confident tone. Ten years later, I use this song when I need to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with standing by my beliefs and opinions and even share this song with friends who need a boost of confidence.
6. My Life-Billy Joel
Billy is one of my favorite artists of all time, and he has a song for every emotion under the sun I experience (and believe me, as a cancer, I have a lot of them!) I turn to this song for a boost of self-confidence because of the line "I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone." Like "Shake it Off" and "Have a Nice Day," this song reminds me that my life is my own to live and to put less stock in the opinions of others than I currently do. Sometimes we need to be reminded of these things multiple times, and these three different songs give me those reminders in three different packages!
7. Scars to Your Beautiful-Alessia Cara
When I first heard this song in an uber, I was feeling nervous because I was about to meet a group of my boyfriend's friends for the first time and I was very nervous about the impression I would make on them or whether I'd fit in with them. Then I heard the words in the bridge: "no better you than the you that you are," and it made me realize that being who I am should be enough for me and enough for anybody I meet. And guess what? Hearing her tell me that I am not only enough, but my best self gave me the confidence to strike conversations with them and we ended up having a great time bowling! I still listen to that song as an empowering pick me up every now and again.
8. Warrior-Scandal
This song is my battle cry in the war against my anxiety. Like I said in the post about bedtime habits, anxiety brings out our fight-or-flight instincts, and hearing the words "I am the warrior," over and over again makes me feel strong on days when my stress and negative thoughts leave me feeling defeated and reminds me of why I choose to fight.
9. Titanium-David Guetta featuring Sia
In addition to David Guetta and Sia being two of my favorite artists from this decade, the image of an impenetrable wall that is impervious to all the negativity and bullets of the world is so powerful. And it reminds me that I am that strong wall and I am far more powerful than any naysayers or even my own thoughts.
10. My House-Flo Rida
This last song is an odd choice because it has nothing to do with self-empowerment, nor does it have any lyrical depth. However, it reminds me of times when I felt empowered. Last year, I started taking classes such as spin and tabata at the gym, and it allowed me to realize all the things I could make my body do. This song would be part of the soundtrack of these classes, and to this day, I still associate it with feelings of triumph and confidence. In addition, I did a spin class on a bus last year with a group of very powerful and positive women who make me feel loved and empowered today, and we all sang along to this song as it played on the bus. Whenever I hear this song, I think about people who allow me to be my best and fullest self.
Obviously my taste in music may not be for everyone, but I challenge you to find songs that make you feel determined, confident, alive, and strong. I challenge you to find a song that reminds you to love yourself. (Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, and thus I do not have the qualifications or credentials to diagnose you or recommend any medication. This blog merely describes my own journey with anxiety and offers advice and supplementary cognitive behavioral coping techniques that can improve the quality of life. If you have questions about any medications and are not yet receiving psychological treatment, ask your physician for a referral.)
