Anxiety and COVID

I've been in a state of denial for nearly a year. I've struggled to process all of this, and now, exactly 10 months after I and everyone I know was told that life as we knew it would change, it's hitting me hard. Because I was living with my boyfriend and had a job and had a lot of stability in my life, I didn't process that my brain was working overtime to protect me from experiencing major anxiety.  It was keeping me "functioning": It allowed me to stay present in my work and relationships and in taking care of my household. While we all strive to function at that level, it is often important to take that break, and nobody is capable of being at the top or even in the middle of their game 100% of the time. However, it took nearly a year for my anxious brain to process I even needed that rest.. That the constant irritation, crying at seemingly random things. and heart palpitations I have been experiencing or the anger and frustration I feel towards others who are taking vacations while I'm staying at home is part of a larger anxiety I'm experiencing. 

I am committed to take the time to truly take care of myself and ask for what I need rather than trying to go through the motions of life without pause, including, but not limited to taking the following steps. (Note: a lot of these are personal to me and my personal needs. This isn't a one size fits all for every single person. My challenge to you after reading this list is to make your own list and will give you questions to consider after I share my own list)

1. Leave my house at least once a day - Something about feeling fresh air on my face makes me feel refreshed. I've loved running outside for over a decade and it is part of what gets me to my calm place. I associate being outside with some of my favorite things: nature (though that is a very loose term in my urban neighborhood), listening to music while running, movement/fitness, going to a local bakery or cafe for a treat. These may seem like such small things, but this is a moment in time to think about the small pleasures and take advantage of them.

2. Take time for myself - While it's important to keep connected with people I can't see physically, I find the constant group texting and zoom calls exhausting sometimes. Since March, it feels like people have so much more time, and I sometimes feel FOMO if I step away and come back to paragraphs of messages. While connection is important and I value my friendships, muting my notifications and taking quiet time away from messenger is important for helping me relax and recharge my batteries. And mostly I use it to read or watch TV or cook, or just lay down in bed and daydream. Anything that will make me feel a sense of calm. 

It's been a hard road, but I've been teaching myself that even if a group conversation goes for a bit without me for a little bit, my friends won't abandon or think less of me just because I took a night off. And in fact, they are my friends because they're so supportive of me. Recently, I've set my messenger notifications on mute, so I could thoughtfully respond on my own time rather than feeling a Pavlovian jolt and compulsion to pick up my phone at every ping.

3. Take some time to read/watch non serious things - I usually like non-fiction books about heavy topics (racism, sexism, classism) and love to learn, but for the time being, I will actively choose to read fun, frivolous, and silly things to give me an escape I need from the doom and gloom of the real world. For example, Kevin Kwan, the author of Crazy Rich Asians just released a new book about Chinese high society, and you can bet that I will absolutely be getting lost in that world. 

Now I'd like to challenge you to make a list of things you need. How much interaction will make you feel nurtured? How much quiet time do you need? What foods make you feel physically and mentally healthier? Think closely and check in with yourself as you think of what you need to cope through this difficult time with no end in sight.