It's OK to get angry and other helpful conflict management tips!

One of my biggest fears is confrontation, and many people who suffer from anxiety agree. The idea of getting into a disagreement or expressing displeasure to a close friend or significant other creates friction and uncertainty in the relationship. What if you get angry at them and then they decide they don't want to continue the relationship? Yes you may be irritated or annoyed at the moment, but is expressing those feelings really worth ushering in a potential tear or crack in an otherwise perfectly good relationship?

The answer is an unequivocal "yes." I have learned over the years and am still learning to this day that conflict is a natural part of any human relationship whether it be with family, friends, or significant others. As much as us conflict avoiders may hate the idea of disrupting or inconveniencing the other person, it is in fact better for both people if we express these negative emotions. Keeping these emotions at bay doesn't make them go away. Instead they build up inside us and they have to be let out eventually. And trust me, it feels worse to snap at someone in a random moment of irritation than to address a specific problem in the moment.  

Now I'm not saying go Incredible Hulk on the other person. I am saying that there is a way to express these emotions without yelling. 

For example, many psychologists advocate using 'I' statements. For example: "I felt upset when you were looking at your phone when we were at dinner because it made me feel like you did not want to be present with me in that moment" sounds less accusatory and more respectful of the other person's feelings than "why are you always on that damn phone? Do I need to be an app to attract your attention?"

As somebody who fears confrontation, the former statement seems like a fair compromise to me because it allows me to openly share my perspective while also considering the other person's feelings.

In addition, the non-accusatory tone of the statement will make the person more open to dialogue instead of defense. They might respond "I don't mean to ignore you, but sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to say and feel put on the spot to come up with something."

This conversation right there allows you both to express your feelings while also reaching a greater ounderstanding of each other. It will feel more like a heart-to-heart than an argument. As a cancer and an empath, those are the conversations I crave even when there's nothing bothering me!

However, try as I might, I am not always in an emotional place in which I am calm enough to engage in that dialogue right in the moment because I am too caught up in the emotion I'm feeling. In about 85% of cases, I am able to acknowledge my feeling and table it for a discussion at another point in time once I have had a time to process said feeling away from the triggering person, situation, and setting. Usually I don't like to let more than a week go by before I bring up how the incident made me feel because the other person might not even remember it.  In fact, bringing something up in a seemingly random way like that might actually annoy the other person, the very outcome I hope to avoid!  I have actually been guilty of this because it took me a long time to find the courage to say something. On those occasions, though, I actually incited the conflict I hoped to avoid. 2-5 days is generally a good grace period because at that point, events are still fresh in both people's minds but you still gave yourself time to cool down. 

Of course there will be times when you snap! And even though it's not fun (believe me, I always feel terrible when it happens!) sometimes we just need to release that emotion. (This is assuming that we're not causing huge scenes in a public places.) And it's important for us to forgive ourselves on the occasion when that does happen. We had every intention of handling things in a kind and mature way but everybody snaps sometimes. Our friends will hopefully understand that as long as we calmly apologize for the outburst but explain where it came from afterwards.

In order to effectively manage conflict, I also need to get to a mental place where I fear my emotions less. A way I try to get there is by questioning these emotions and where they come from. Through questioning these emotions, I discovered a few well-worn beliefs I held in my mind. Seeing these beliefs out in the open allows me to challenge them:

1. The other person's emotions matter more than my own: I realize how ridiculous this looks written out, but every desire to avoid conflict and fear of somebody else's response to my emotions reflects this belief. I remind myself that if I'm willing to accommodate somebody else and listen to their side of the story, wouldn't this person want to do the same for me? And conversely, if I want to be heard, shouldn't I also listen? Thinking this way positions the conflict more as one between equals in my mind and prepares me to express myself respectfully. And besides, why would I want to spend time with someone who truly believes their emotions are more important than mine anyway?
2. An argument is the end of the world? Sure you've argued with people before, were they actually the end of the world? Even if it did end a relationship, do you feel looking back like that relationship was worth holding onto? Or do you see larger issues at stake? Like I said before, conflict is a normal part of human interaction, and with the people who matter, it will bring you closer in the best case scenario or will allow you to understand the other person better in the worse case. Either way, I see that as a win!