It's OK to get angry and other helpful conflict management tips!

One of my biggest fears is confrontation, and many people who suffer from anxiety agree. The idea of getting into a disagreement or expressing displeasure to a close friend or significant other creates friction and uncertainty in the relationship. What if you get angry at them and then they decide they don't want to continue the relationship? Yes you may be irritated or annoyed at the moment, but is expressing those feelings really worth ushering in a potential tear or crack in an otherwise perfectly good relationship?

The answer is an unequivocal "yes." I have learned over the years and am still learning to this day that conflict is a natural part of any human relationship whether it be with family, friends, or significant others. As much as us conflict avoiders may hate the idea of disrupting or inconveniencing the other person, it is in fact better for both people if we express these negative emotions. Keeping these emotions at bay doesn't make them go away. Instead they build up inside us and they have to be let out eventually. And trust me, it feels worse to snap at someone in a random moment of irritation than to address a specific problem in the moment.  

Now I'm not saying go Incredible Hulk on the other person. I am saying that there is a way to express these emotions without yelling. 

For example, many psychologists advocate using 'I' statements. For example: "I felt upset when you were looking at your phone when we were at dinner because it made me feel like you did not want to be present with me in that moment" sounds less accusatory and more respectful of the other person's feelings than "why are you always on that damn phone? Do I need to be an app to attract your attention?"

As somebody who fears confrontation, the former statement seems like a fair compromise to me because it allows me to openly share my perspective while also considering the other person's feelings.

In addition, the non-accusatory tone of the statement will make the person more open to dialogue instead of defense. They might respond "I don't mean to ignore you, but sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to say and feel put on the spot to come up with something."

This conversation right there allows you both to express your feelings while also reaching a greater ounderstanding of each other. It will feel more like a heart-to-heart than an argument. As a cancer and an empath, those are the conversations I crave even when there's nothing bothering me!

However, try as I might, I am not always in an emotional place in which I am calm enough to engage in that dialogue right in the moment because I am too caught up in the emotion I'm feeling. In about 85% of cases, I am able to acknowledge my feeling and table it for a discussion at another point in time once I have had a time to process said feeling away from the triggering person, situation, and setting. Usually I don't like to let more than a week go by before I bring up how the incident made me feel because the other person might not even remember it.  In fact, bringing something up in a seemingly random way like that might actually annoy the other person, the very outcome I hope to avoid!  I have actually been guilty of this because it took me a long time to find the courage to say something. On those occasions, though, I actually incited the conflict I hoped to avoid. 2-5 days is generally a good grace period because at that point, events are still fresh in both people's minds but you still gave yourself time to cool down. 

Of course there will be times when you snap! And even though it's not fun (believe me, I always feel terrible when it happens!) sometimes we just need to release that emotion. (This is assuming that we're not causing huge scenes in a public places.) And it's important for us to forgive ourselves on the occasion when that does happen. We had every intention of handling things in a kind and mature way but everybody snaps sometimes. Our friends will hopefully understand that as long as we calmly apologize for the outburst but explain where it came from afterwards.

In order to effectively manage conflict, I also need to get to a mental place where I fear my emotions less. A way I try to get there is by questioning these emotions and where they come from. Through questioning these emotions, I discovered a few well-worn beliefs I held in my mind. Seeing these beliefs out in the open allows me to challenge them:

1. The other person's emotions matter more than my own: I realize how ridiculous this looks written out, but every desire to avoid conflict and fear of somebody else's response to my emotions reflects this belief. I remind myself that if I'm willing to accommodate somebody else and listen to their side of the story, wouldn't this person want to do the same for me? And conversely, if I want to be heard, shouldn't I also listen? Thinking this way positions the conflict more as one between equals in my mind and prepares me to express myself respectfully. And besides, why would I want to spend time with someone who truly believes their emotions are more important than mine anyway?
2. An argument is the end of the world? Sure you've argued with people before, were they actually the end of the world? Even if it did end a relationship, do you feel looking back like that relationship was worth holding onto? Or do you see larger issues at stake? Like I said before, conflict is a normal part of human interaction, and with the people who matter, it will bring you closer in the best case scenario or will allow you to understand the other person better in the worse case. Either way, I see that as a win!

Positivity Playlist: Beats that Beat Low Self-Esteem

Regardless of your preference for band or genre, whether you like Ariana Grande or Icelandic death metal, there's a song (or several,) that resonates with your soul. It could be that song you listened to on repeat after your breakup, or your wedding song. Or, breaking away from the concept of romantic love together, it could be your psych mix when you run or go to the gym, or that song on the bar's jukebox you sang at the top of your lungs with your college friends on two-for-one Tuesday.

Many people connect to music on a strong, psychological level and there's even an entire field of music therapy dedicated to helping people heal through music listening and expression. Music even helps with anxiety! According to a review from UK Medical Journal The Lancet,  patients who listened to music before, during, or after surgery experienced less pain and anxiety than the patients who did not. Even cooler is the fact that those same patients, (the ones who listened to music,) needed less medication. Music is pretty damn powerful, right? And the patients who needed the LEAST amount of pain medication were the ones who got to pick their own playlists. In other words, the music YOU pick can set the tone of your day. The music YOU pick can determine whether there's harmony or whether things fall flat.


So today, I'm going to talk about my self-esteem playlist. One of my biggest struggles with anxiety is my own battle with self-esteem. I the constant nagging feeling that I did or said something wrong, or that I didn't make the right impression on people, or that I didn't work hard enough in school, or that I was lazy at the gym. The common denominator in all these anxious thoughts is an underlying  belief that I am not enough, and not only does this cause me to be harsher on myself, but I also worry more and feel more depressed as a result. Even though I have developed more self-confidence as I have developed more meaningful personal relationships with others and enjoyed career success, sometimes  thought patterns can become well-worn pathways in the brain that are hard to completely walk way from them. With this playlist that spans decades and genres, I am not only headed full steam ahead in the opposite direction, but I am also blazing my own path of self-love.

Self Esteem Playlist:

1. What Makes You Beautiful-One Direction

Though this song is about a guy telling a girl she's beautiful. Though it's nice to hear a British boy band tell me how beautiful I am, I do not need Harry Styles or Zayn Malik to tell me as much. What stands out to me about this song is the line in the pre-chorus "everyone else in the room can see it. Everyone else but you." This makes me think about how even though I might feel like I'm falling apart, others could look at me and see someone who has her shit together. And maybe I have more of a grip on things than I think I do.

Conversely, other people who I may think are winning at life probably have their own insecurities. This one line reminds me that we are all humans and we all have our strengths and vulnerabilities, and therefore, I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am another human being on this earth doing my best.

2. Beautiful-Christina Aguilera

The phrase "we are beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can't bring us down"  is affirming for me. Don't get me wrong. Words have the power to hurt. Sometimes someone's words, particularly if I thought said person was a friend, have the power to ruin my day or week. But they don't bring me down. They don't stop me from being me and doing what I love!

3. I Don't Want to Be-Gavin DeGraw

I met a lot of people in college who had a clear plan for what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives. They wanted to be doctors or engineers, and while a lot of these people were my friends and I admired them for having a dream and following it, I felt more lost and nervous as graduation drew closer. I started having second thoughts about the humanities and social sciences courses I took for the sake of learning and started to feel like I had failed compared to the rest of my friends.

However, the line "all I have to do is think of me and I'll be somebody" stood out to me. Just because I hadn't found that same sense of purpose that someone else did at that moment doesn't mean that I am somehow less than them or that my life is less valuable. I just have to be myself, and eventually, as I keep working towards my goals, my feelings of purpose will fall into place and I won't want to be anybody else.

4. Shake it Off-Taylor Swift

On a similar (albeit more upbeat) vein, the image of T.Swift just "shaking it off" and dancing like nobody's watching is empowering and inspiring. She may have received a lot of flack from industry professionals and critics alike, but guess what? She has still won several Grammys and sells out her concerts by being true to herself! I am definitely guilty of putting a lot of stock into what other people think and even spend time obsessing about it, but guess what? In life there will always be players and haters, but I can't be my best self unless I treat them like background noise the way my girl Taylor does!

5. Have a Nice Day-Bon Jovi

Bon Jovi released this song during my freshman year of high school, a time in my life when I felt the most pressure to conform. Through my classes, extracurricular activities, and my social circle, I met people who held very black-and-white world views to which they clung very tightly. There was this one particular girl I knew whose strident tone made me doubt myself and feel inadequate for daring to voice an alternative opinion.

In this song, Jon Bon Jovi tells his naysayers "I'm not gonna what I don't want to, I'm gonna live my life" and "have a nice day" in an equally strident and confident tone. Ten years later, I use this song when I need to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with standing by my beliefs and opinions and even share this song with friends who need a boost of confidence.

6. My Life-Billy Joel

Billy is one of my favorite artists of all time, and he has a song for every emotion under the sun I experience (and believe me, as a cancer, I have a lot of them!) I turn to this song for a boost of self-confidence because of the line "I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone." Like "Shake it Off" and "Have a Nice Day," this song reminds me that my life is my own to live and to put less stock in the opinions of others than I currently do. Sometimes we need to be reminded of these things multiple times, and these three different songs give me those reminders in three different packages!

7. Scars to Your Beautiful-Alessia Cara

When I first heard this song in an uber, I was feeling nervous because I was about to meet a group of my boyfriend's friends for the first time and I was very nervous about the impression I would make on them or whether I'd fit in with them. Then I heard the words in the bridge: "no better you than the you that you are," and it made me realize that being who I am should be enough for me and enough for anybody I meet. And guess what?  Hearing her tell me that I am not only enough, but my best self gave me the confidence to strike conversations with them and we ended up having a great time bowling! I still listen to that song as an empowering pick me up every now and again.

8. Warrior-Scandal

This song is my battle cry in the war against my anxiety. Like I said in the post about bedtime habits, anxiety brings out our  fight-or-flight instincts, and hearing the words "I am the warrior," over and over again makes me feel strong on days when my stress and negative thoughts leave me feeling defeated and reminds me of why I choose to fight.

9. Titanium-David Guetta featuring Sia

In addition to David Guetta and Sia being two of my favorite artists from this decade, the image of an impenetrable wall that is impervious to all the negativity and bullets of the world is so powerful. And it reminds me that I am that strong wall and I am far more powerful than any naysayers or even my own thoughts.

10. My House-Flo Rida

This last song is an odd choice because it has nothing to do with self-empowerment, nor does it have any lyrical depth. However, it reminds me of times when I felt empowered. Last year, I started taking classes such as spin and tabata at the gym, and it allowed me to realize all the things I could make my body do. This song would be part of the soundtrack of these classes, and to this day, I still associate it with feelings of triumph and confidence. In addition, I did a spin class on a bus last year with a group of very powerful and positive women who make me feel loved and empowered today, and we all sang along to this song as it played on the bus. Whenever I hear this song, I think about people who allow me to be my best and fullest self.

Obviously my taste in music may not be for everyone, but I challenge you to find songs that make you feel determined, confident, alive, and strong. I challenge you to find a song that reminds you to love yourself.

(Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, and thus I do not have the qualifications or credentials to diagnose you or recommend any medication. This blog  merely  describes my own journey with anxiety and offers  advice and supplementary cognitive behavioral coping techniques that can improve the quality of life. If you have questions about any medications and are not yet receiving psychological treatment, ask your physician for a referral.) 

Public Prescription: Finding a Bedtime Routine

When life gets stressful, I think of this fuzzy guy to calm me down.

August 31, 2011 was a day that changed my life. That was the day I learned that the panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, and constant replaying of social interactions in my head had a name, and that was Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist at the time, Dr. Jeanette Funke, told me that anxiety is a manifestation of our primordial "fight or flight" instincts, and it was that day I chose to fight. I chose to fight to live the most meaningful and happy life I could have, and to this day, I am still fighting and succeeding.

While I am not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist and am in no way qualified to determine whether you suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I am certain that you feel stress in your life. There are days when you feel unconfident and like the world is a video game on expert and you're down to your last life. 

I have spent the past 5 years and change figuring out self care techniques that help me manage my stress in a healthy way. Not to say that I never feel stressed ever, or that the world magically becomes a video game on easy where I have unlimited lives. No, what I'm offering are cheat codes that help me beat the hard levels.

I'm going to start with the newest self care routine that I have adopted, and that is around bedtime. Even though I'm 25 and not 2.5 years old, I still need a bedtime routine and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Like many people who suffer from anxiety, I am a very light sleeper, and that's once I get to sleep. On a good night, it can take me 1-2 hours to even fall asleep, and that's not always because I'm panicking or stressing out, it's just that there is a constant flurry of activity in my brain. It's like there's a whole city inside there like New York that never sleeps or shuts down! 

 Scientists usually recommend a full 8 hours of sleep and a good night for me is 6. While I'm not usually a zombie at work, I've noticed that my lack of sleep contributes to my irritability at small incidents that take place during the day, (such as the elevator not coming immediately! The nerve!) A lack of sleep also has the potential to lead to far worse health consequences such as a lack of sleep can potentially lead to heart disease, diabetes, and more!

As a 25-year-old who regularly works out, I do not think about heart problems, but even more immediate and pressing to me was the realization that my lack of sleep also made my anxiety worse! According to the American Association of Depression and Anxiety, (ADAA) insomnia and anxiety create a vicious cycle. While lack of sleep creates anxiety, anxiety also makes it hard to fall asleep. Kind of like cranky, stress-filled chicken and egg debate!

However, this problem is well within my control, so here are four habits I have adopted to give me a good night's sleep:

Bedtime Story

When it came to bed time, I was guilty of a few bad habits. Since college, I made a routine of watching TV right before going to bed because I thought that escaping into a goofy sitcom or in somebody else's drama would help me relax my mind. It turns out that the dynamic storylines as well as the flashing lights and colors stimulated my brain even more! (even though my eyes would always droop!)  What I decided to do instead was to turn off the tube and turn the pages of a book.

Unplug

Another thing that overly stimulated my brain was conversing with friends via text or Facebook messenger as I was planning to go to bed. Texting is caffeine for my brain. As an extrovert by nature, (not all anxious people are afraid of socializing btw!) connecting with my friends, the jokes we tell, the details of their lives, fuels and energizes me, but unfortunately that also translates to no sleep. So I make it a policy to put away all electronic devices (smart phone, laptop, iPad, etc.) when I'm preparing to go to sleep. Disconnecting gives me time alone to reflect and mediate as well as the chance to recharge. (Pun completely intended.)

Sometimes, I am too wound up from something that happened during the day so I make an exception and play Candy Crush Saga on my iPad. The mindlessness and repetitiveness of matching different colored candies quiets the noise in my brain and allows me to move onto reading and the rest of my sleep routine.

Setting a Time

According to sleep experts from Harvard Medical School, establishing a set time to get ready for bed not only lengthens the amount of Zzzs you catch, but also improves the quality of your sleep! Most nights I choose to start my unwinding and unplugging process at 10:00 p.m., which usually gets me to sleep at 11, but I like to go out on weekends and I have a class that ends at 10:00 in the middle of the week and often don't get home until 11 on those nights. However, telling myself that at a certain point I can respond to my friend in the morning or I can catch up on my show the next day allows me to set some boundaries and add some structure to my routine.

Deep Breathing

As I do all of this, I am taking slow and deep breaths, which, if you are suffering from anxiety, is the first thing your therapist will tell you to do. Deeper breaths steady the flow of oxygen in your body and evens out the heart beat which allows me to feel calmer and more ready to shut down.

Something that helps me when I'm breathing is thinking of something that makes me feel happy and safe. For all you Harry Potter fans, this is like the patronus that fights against the soul sucking dementors. (Yes, there will be many Harry Potter references in this blog! I'm a huge nerd!) My patronus is my boyfriend's cat, Keaton, who likes to climb on top of my chest and cuddle, so when I'm breathing, I think about the warmth and comfort I feel in those moments. Your patronus doesn't have to be an animal. It can be a person, a smell, a memory, anything that gives you inner peace and comfort.

Results

Since starting my regimen, I've been getting 6-8 hours of sleep as oppose to the 4-6 before. I noticed both physical and emotional signs of increased calm. My breathing was more steady, stressors that seemed like mountains before now seem more like molehills. This is not to say that nothing ever bothers me now, or I never stress about a deadline or weekend plans, but now I am better able to step back, solve the problem rationally, and most importantly, not let something that I can solve take up unnecessary mental energy! 

These are all steps that have worked for me, but they are not the be all/end all of sleep! If 11 works better for you than 10, go for it! I encourage you all to explore and think critically about what makes you feel most zen and relaxed. Burn sage, meditate, whatever turns your brain off! Just make it part of your routine and this will allow you to both begin and end your days feeling relaxed and ready to take on the world.

(Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist, and thus I do not have the qualifications or credentials to diagnose you or recommend any medication. This blog is merely to describe my own journey with anxiety and to help with supplementary cognitive behavioral coping techniques that can improve the quality of life. If you have questions about any medications and are not yet receiving psychological treatment, ask your physician for a referral.)